i've written.

but it couldn't be made.

i didn't had the support.

nobody wants to support me.

it's my karma i guess.

i believe everything that happens to me are
because of my past actions.

i'm a mean person. unsupportive. and selfish.

and thus, i've no one to blame,

except for myself.

i've written, and now so what?

today is the day, i feel really dishearten.

i've always feel i haven't done enough.

trust me, i'm not those guy who said that,
but who in fact has done alot.

i'm the kind who really hasn't done much,
and gets depress over it, and still hasn't done much.

i've tried many times to put my mind into it and do it.

i believe in the motto 'be on time, give 100% and hope for the best.'

but nothing ever happens.

and facebook depresses me, because i see how my other friends
are doing so much. getting married, having kids, a career they enjoy.

i enjoy my work, but not so much my career.
i'm not moving.

am always stagnant.

it pisses me off to see other people's work and deep down
inside i know i can do better. but i never did. i never get the
chance to do it.

i hate feeling pity for myself, i really do.
but no matter how much i try to tell myself to be positive,
to just do, but it never happens.

i can't blame God. He has His ways.

but seriously, i ask myself, why should He give me?
do i deserve it? have i put as many hours into my work.

maybe not my drawing. maybe drawing is my gift.
comics.

and not movies.

am i retreating to making movies?

i'm not surrounded with the right people.
am always ended up with the wrong people.
or they ended up wrong with me?

i really wish and want to do it.

but why i can't?

making movies is not so easy.

but yet-i see so many not so good filmmakers are actually doing it.

so what's wrong with me?

am i not good enough?

my reel sucks. i hate my reel.

i love movies. i really do.

i get very excited in every cool 10 minutes opening of movies.
the music. the credits coming up. the actor, the lighting. the pacing.

every time i see something cool, i tell myself i got to do something like that.

but i never did.

no matter how much i try to construct myself to get there, i never do.

always ended up with the wrong people.

or as i said again, maybe they ended up wrong with me.

give me 1 opportunity, with the right people, right equipments,
i know i can pull it off. i can make it a masterpiece.
i know i can. i can feel it in me.

but it's so disheartening that i'm not able to.

everytime i dig myself out of the hole,
i gather my thoughts and ready to go for it again,
i get fallen into the hole again.

maybe that's what you called loser huh?

only loser and whiners whine through a blog where he knows nobody read.

i don't want anybody to read.
yet at the same time,
i don't feel like typing to myself through a notepad file.

atleast with this, i know somehow my words are 'out there'.